I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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