Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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