I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
