Swine flu. Run for my life!
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
