she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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