Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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