I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize