Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
