There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Randomize
