new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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