I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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