Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
