I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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