I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm at about main and main street
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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