My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
