The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
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