Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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