I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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