just come out here and I will go home with you...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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