he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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