My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
