My hand turned me down
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
