Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
