alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
