wat bout pragnant strippers??
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
