You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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