Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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