due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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