Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
