Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I touched a dick in church today
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