You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
