Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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