just tell him i said nine months
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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