Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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