I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
