i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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