I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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