If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
