I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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