Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
