I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
