My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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