I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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