idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
