note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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