you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
