On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
