Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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