im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
