tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
