you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
