so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
