his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
