just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
