My sheets look like a crime scene.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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