im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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