i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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