Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
