Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
