OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
