I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
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