He asked to "fluff my boner.."
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
