why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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