his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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