i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just cropdusted the office
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
be right there i have to get my cape
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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