Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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