I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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