he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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