Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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