Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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